Change. The word that gets one elected to the most powerful position on the planet. That enraged me before I understood it. I mean, you at least intend to imply positive change, right? As it turns out, not necessarily.
I am not one of the fortunate few who can just sit feeling satisfied if there is nothing that needs to be done. I’m never just “OK.” Usually I feel dissatisfied, lacking, like I should be doing something else, antsy, and otherwise . . . at odds. I don’t reason it out, I just need to be pacing around trying to escape the field of anxious tension that surrounds me and there is difficulty achieving focus until I stumble on something that momentarily pacifies me.
So just being mellow and happy is not my lot in life. I’m agitated and unfocused.
Change. I am satisfied while experiencing a change in myself. It took me a long time to figure that out. If I’m pacing around as if trying to escape that field of anxiety, a hug will bring me around. Note the difference between uptight pacing and melting into a hug. Big change. But hold that hug for a while and all that wonderfulness becomes the new stasis and I need to change my state again.
A stable unchanging emotional state is not unlike death. One begins to sense being out of touch, angst ridden, desperate. How can you even tell you are alive if your emotional state is a perfectly steady hum?
So my happy place is not a stable state of being at all but the period of flux between states. When I’m hungry I enjoy eating and changing my level of hunger. When I’m too warm or too cool there is purpose and a fulfillment that comes only during the process of changing my subjective perception, perhaps by putting on a sweater or removing a robe and then sensing the gradual temperature change as a result.
The worst thing that can happen is to be in a zone where I am completely satisfied. Then the anxiety is gone, the obvious need to improve my state of being is gone, I am calm, at one with everything and not the least bit shy. And that state of being when lasting more than about a minute motivates me to cause trouble, to start something, to create mischief.
I need flux, I need change, I need to be dissatisfied and if you take that away from me you have trouble on your hands. Looking at the state the world is in, the powers that be already know this.